I'm am a feind. I deserve terrible things. I am sorry I've made you mad. I understand what your doing. Your twisting my love. Your making me ruin things by myself. Your watching me do this. Waiting for me. I'm a sick person. I need help. I can't keep doing this to myself. Give me a way out. Whisper to me like you always do. Tell me I am filth. Make me regret my sin. I want to change. I don't know how and I can't by myself. Hold my hand and lead me through the fire I started. I can't keep suffering like this. I need your help. I need you to save me from myself.
A6
I hate what I'm becoming. Is this really me going insane? You were right its all shit. I need to stay away from it all. I have to get back what I lost. I need to be the one in control again. I have so much to do. I can't do it like this I need to be free of it all. I stopped holding but I can't shake you.
A5
I think I'm dangerous. People they trust me. They let me in. They trust me even though they don't know me and I feel obligated to be something I'm not. I wish I was. But it's not in my nature. Why is that? Is that why things always end the same? Poison only kills the the body. What does that make me?
A4
Everything you're doing is wrong. Talking to you makes me sad. I think about how bad things have gotten. And how unaware you are about it all. I miss you everyday.
A3
I haven't said your name in a long time. I hear it in my head at times. But its more of a sound than an actual name. Tied to it are all these memories id rather forget. I don't say it anymore. And when it comes around I just suppress it.
A2
I'm sorry you still cry at night. There are few moments I will remember as clearly as when you let me see you cry. I carry those words with me. They echo in my mind. We all want to go home. I only wish I could wait for you there. I miss you. I don't remember being so happy as when we were together. I can't believe I forgot the first time I said I love you. I remember when you said it. You were so scared that I wouldn't feel it. I didn't say it then. I was even more scared that you'd believe it. I lost count of all the times we held each other and forgot about the world. All the times we used to talk about the future. Talk about growing old together. I remember when I hurt you. I remember being scared. I remember being miserable. There wasn't a day I regret being with you. or a word I'd take back. Looking at how far we've come I only wish I could have treasured every moment like it was the last. I don't want you to think that I'm going away. You didn't even want to be my friend when it all ended you said it hurt to bad to even see me. But I hung in there and I kept trying to be there for you. And after all was said and done I'm still here and were still gonna be together. Were gonna hold each other again and were gonna talk about getting old and were gonna keep loving each other because we meant something. There's nothing that's gonna be able to separate us. I'm not going anywhere. Don't be scared anymore. Don't cry anymore. Trust in me. Know that I love you.
A1
I saw it again today. What could it be. It might be the same one as before. I don't think it's noticed me. I wonder why I see it. It's only there for about a moment and then it's gone. It looked into my eyes the first time. Maybe it did see me. Maybe it never left. Is it that I'm just not looking hard enough? Did it think I was asleep? I was tired and normally I'd say it was nothing but it's different. There's a strong feeling that comes when you see something that real. The thought of it still lingers in my mind. I can almost see it still sitting there in front of me like before. Its eyes are still burned into my mind. And every time I turn away I see it walk across the edges of my sight. I think I'll give it a name. If I see it again that is.
Note from the Editor
Dear pilgrims I want you all to know that any post labeled with "(unpublished)" was originally written but saved as drafts. I never published those posts because they were either not clearly thought out quite yet, irrelevant nonsense, or they were originally meant for one person who shall remain nameless.
I have tried however to keep a sort of order in the past which has kind of gone out the window now that the unpublished have resurfaced.
I haven't written anything in some time and so there is no exact timeline. Some of my posts span as far as weeks and some hours.
If you're interested in reading my old blog I strongly suggest you read in "order" from blog post 1 to this post.
Please refer to the right hand column and choose the correct post.
Thank you for reading and please as always keep this between us.
-Cris
I have tried however to keep a sort of order in the past which has kind of gone out the window now that the unpublished have resurfaced.
I haven't written anything in some time and so there is no exact timeline. Some of my posts span as far as weeks and some hours.
If you're interested in reading my old blog I strongly suggest you read in "order" from blog post 1 to this post.
Please refer to the right hand column and choose the correct post.
Thank you for reading and please as always keep this between us.
-Cris
Heart (unpublished)
Too many of my blogs are angry. I'm not always this way. I'm often provoked. I have a big heart. I love all of my friends. Even the ones I hate. I love them all. People that have really hurt me I still love. I only ever talk about the pain. But there is a whole other side to me. A side few ever get to see. I've tried to show this side to people. But it seems no one cares to see. I love too much. I have the heart of a child still. I can love unconditionally. Without anything in return. I can love those who don't love me. Even if they hurt me. I can love those I do not know. Because I know somewhere someone loves them. I'm not always like this. My heart yearns to love someone. And if I love you. I love you. I may not always tell everyone this. But the few I do say I love you to mean a lot to me. This post will not go public. (as if so many read this blog) but I write this for your eyes only. I'd hate for you to think of me as some very disturbed person. So believe me when I say that I cannot even begin to describe how much I love and care for you xxxx
46 (unpublished)
You're an ungrateful piece of shit. You have no respect. All you ever care about is yourself. It's nice to know the person you're with is exactly like you. You're a fraud. You lie constantly and get away with it. But you're not fooling me. I see right through you. I see the same garbage I saw when I first met you. You don't deserve what you have. You and I are nothing alike. I do not hate you. Those days are over. I don't feel I should ever have to say these words no matter how bad things get. You and I both know you have to live with it every day. I used to admire you so much. Your opinion of me mattered. Your respect was something I thought of very highly. And you're friendship was something I treasured the most. Now all I see is garbage. You're an animal. You disgust me. You have a lot of growing up to do. Grow some balls and do what you know is right. Even if it means you have to take some shit for it.
You're still my friend, even with all your flaws, I still love you. As hard as it is to believe.
I have hope for you. I know you'll get there. I know you have it in you.
And I'll stay at your side until the day comes.
You're still my friend, even with all your flaws, I still love you. As hard as it is to believe.
I have hope for you. I know you'll get there. I know you have it in you.
And I'll stay at your side until the day comes.
31 (unpublished)
I hate that I can't write to you like I used to. That I don't have the words in me to tell you how I feel. I hate what we've become. Don't tell me what I already know. I cant bear to hear you tell me what I need to hear. I know. Isn't it bad enough that I can't forget?
- untitled 2 (unpublished)
I was at home like I am every morning. Woke up late. Brushed my teeth. Ate breakfast. Washed and folded some clothes. And there I was sitting. Waiting. Like I always do.
I sent 2 friends a text yesterday. They didn't reply.
I sent another friend a text today. He didn't reply either.
I know they weren't going to respond. They do it far too often. It's not an accident. It's not some mistake. They just don't care to answer. It's been this way a while.
But I sent them anyway. And now several hours later, I'm still here, waiting, sitting, and hoping that things could be different. People and their promises. People and their words. People and their baggage. People and their lies. No one here is meant to last. I know it. I know them. I know them better then they know themselves. I know why they don't reply.
and now as I think about it all. As I think about why I even care, and why they never did, I can't help but feel a sense of inadequacy. I want to say it's not my fault. I want to say it's all them but maybe it's me too. Maybe it's for some unknown reason to me or even to them. Maybe.
What a word that is. Maybe. It's not until you said it that I realized how powerful that one word can be. Maybe
It can renew us. It can give us hope. It can make us try harder. But it can also frustrate us. It can make us desperate and scared. It can take away all our hope and lead us into despair.
There is no maybe in my world. A Word that generous has no place in my despair.
I sent 2 friends a text yesterday. They didn't reply.
I sent another friend a text today. He didn't reply either.
I know they weren't going to respond. They do it far too often. It's not an accident. It's not some mistake. They just don't care to answer. It's been this way a while.
But I sent them anyway. And now several hours later, I'm still here, waiting, sitting, and hoping that things could be different. People and their promises. People and their words. People and their baggage. People and their lies. No one here is meant to last. I know it. I know them. I know them better then they know themselves. I know why they don't reply.
and now as I think about it all. As I think about why I even care, and why they never did, I can't help but feel a sense of inadequacy. I want to say it's not my fault. I want to say it's all them but maybe it's me too. Maybe it's for some unknown reason to me or even to them. Maybe.
What a word that is. Maybe. It's not until you said it that I realized how powerful that one word can be. Maybe
It can renew us. It can give us hope. It can make us try harder. But it can also frustrate us. It can make us desperate and scared. It can take away all our hope and lead us into despair.
There is no maybe in my world. A Word that generous has no place in my despair.
47 (unpublished)
Why did it have to be you too? Not you. Not us. Just like everyone else now. Is everyone in? It's really becoming a problem. I don't think I can stand it anymore. It's not fair and I know you see it. What the hell? Why now? It's going to keep me away. It's gonna kill us. I just don't want this. Why the hell do I need you so bad?
Why the hell are you that important?
Why do I sit around waiting so long? Why do I expect you to change? Am I making something out of nothing? Why can't I just not care?
Why you?
Why the hell are you that important?
Why do I sit around waiting so long? Why do I expect you to change? Am I making something out of nothing? Why can't I just not care?
Why you?
untitled (unpublished)
It's not what you really want. You've been searching your entire life for this but it's never enough. No matter how much you indulge in it. No matter how much you think you want it. No matter what anyone tells you. It all tastes like shit doesn't it?
30 (unpublished)
Somedays you love me.
I hate that we have to argue so much. That it seems the only time were close is when we have a problem and were not happy. All I ever wanted was to be close to you. I always come after. After everyone and anything at the moment. Somedays I worry but I always love you. I try and stay but you just ignore me. I try and leave but you stop me. I wish you would just make up your mind. It seems you want me to wait for you. Just in case everyone else is gone. Just in case your alone. Just in case.
.
I hate that we have to argue so much. That it seems the only time were close is when we have a problem and were not happy. All I ever wanted was to be close to you. I always come after. After everyone and anything at the moment. Somedays I worry but I always love you. I try and stay but you just ignore me. I try and leave but you stop me. I wish you would just make up your mind. It seems you want me to wait for you. Just in case everyone else is gone. Just in case your alone. Just in case.
.
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