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The day will come when things do go bad.  Where it seems your whole life falls apart. Some people see God at rock bottom.  I wasn't right with God when I hit rock bottom.  I was stubborn.  I couldn't let go of my sins.  I wanted to feel like shit.  I wanted to be punished. I deserve my suffering.  I know you will forgive me God I know.  But I can't ask you to forgive me yet.  I will.  Not yet.  Let me feel like shit.  I have.  For some time.  It's guilt I suppose.  I know you can wash it all away. I know that if you say I'm forgiven that it would be as If I never sinned. I know. But I know I would remember.  And it's not fair.  To me It's not fair that I get off so easy.  I will apologize.  Ask for forgiveness.  I know that this guilt doesn't compare.  That you made the ultimate sacrifice for me.  You died so that I could say I'm sorry and be forgiven.  I know. I know its selfish of me to deny you.  I know that it doesn't have to be this way.  I just need time.  I want to make sure I do things right.