2-3

don't bite. I know it doesnt hurt you.
don't say its fine. don't pretend its anything else but anger. don't hold back. dig deeper. hold longer. bleed more and feel. what I do. what it used to feel like. the way it never mattered the way you and I knew it wasnt pain. like it was never a bite. like its never gonna be the same. just don't stop. die with me.

2-2

And today it dies hard. Today there's no end in sight. Like this month and the one before it. Today I die.

2-1

Give me a reason. And we can die. Make me walk away and save me the heart ache. Give me a motive to kill this inside me. Give me a reason to end it all
in one word.

9 months

I forgot what it was like. I didnt think I could ever go back. it rained yesterday. I had forgotten the rain. I forgot the feeling of being soaked in it. I didn't think things could go back to the way they were. I didn't think id find myself in the rain again.

IV

I don't regret saying what I did.  The truth is the truth. Maybe I didn't tell you in a very delicate manner.  But what I said was the truth.  I know you don't love me. I know I don't make you happy.  But I'm done trying to earn that. All I wanted to do was help you.  And one day you'll realize that what was said had to be said.  That what I tried to tell you today was in your best interest.  And when that day comes you wont thank me.
And I'm fine with that.

Goodbye

-44

I missed you. 

III

Maybe sounds like bullshit.  Today tastes like it too.  Tomorrow sounds like Never. And always sounds like fuck you.  Goodbye sounds like the right thing to say.  But you and I both know we don't have to say it.  We've said it every day. We're way past that.  Blocking you out was the right thing to do.  Also was leaving.  There can never be a future. Not even casual conversation.  We're too fucked up even for that.  Your immature as shit. While I'm cold blooded and dead.  This blog is about my spiral into death. It's nice of you to have joined me.
I love you even in death.
Always.

II

I wish I could believe you. I wish I didn't have to doubt you. I wish I could just take it all in. 
You keep saying it. I keep trying to believe it. But you and I both know its a lie.  A lie I can't live with.  Why it was them.  Why its never me  Why you never cared. Why this even matters.  Why I do. Why you can never admit to the truth.
And to think that somedays your the only thing keeping me.

I

The me you met is gone.  The me I was going for got lost.
What happened was real.  I don't regret a thing.  I don't say sorry.
I'm not loosing sleep over a thing. If I knew then what I know now I'd only enjoy it. I'd take pleasure in knowing it would all fall apart.  That we'd both fail.  And that were both going to rot together.  But I'm not.  I don't care. I used to hate you.  I admired you.  I considered you to be one of my greatest friends.  Even though you weren't.  I just wished you were.  Another life.  And now I laugh inside.  To think I was so wrong. But the me that is just isn't happy about it. Something else.  I'm not sure yet what I am right now. But the me that was is now gone.  Maybe lost.  Maybe buried.  Maybe he's just asleep. Doesn't matter.  What happened doesn't matter either. Or how I got here.
Totally indifferent.
I'll try not to laugh again.  No promises though.

-45

It feels like there's so much to write today. There has been for days.  Words are shit.  Writing is too. Who am I writing to?  Is it for me?  There's no one to read.  Sure as hell no one to listen. It's all shit. 

-46

Everything is going good.  I guess I'm not used to it.  There doesn't seem to be much to write about anymore.  I want to say it's a good thing too but I'm not sure.  I'm going to visit my blog regularly regardless to see if you write.
guess this means I'm officially on hiatus.
Break or not I'm still going to keep reading.
Whereever you are and whatever you're doing I hope your happy.  I love you.

-47

I'm so proud of you.  It was always you.  It's a big step.  But you have me at your side.  You have my deepest and most sincere respect.  I wish you the best. Congratulations. 

-49

I went to visit you.  We laughed. We had fun. We didn't even fight once.  It's different. You and I both know that.  It's not fixed.  You can believe what you want but don't you dare act like it's all normal again.  It's not. Not yet.  Not much has changed.  And don't tell me you're different know.  I don't believe you.  Don't tell me you've been trying.  It's bullshit.  You and I both know you haven't tried hard enough.  Don't tell me it's all in my head.  You and I both know it's not. Just give it time.  Don't pretend it's not there.  Just be patient.  And eventually
well talk.

-51

I was talking to my mother about death (And yes I realize it is a little morbid).  I asked her what she wanted her last words to be.  She answered: "Los perdono todos por ser pendejos".  Or "I forgive you all for being idiots". Jose Burciaga once wrote "Naces pendejo Mueres pendejo".  If you are born stupid you die stupid.  My mom would forgive the stupid for what they have no control over.    

-52

I guess it's a good thing.  I wanted you to join me because I wanted to remember what it was like to feel something for you.  I wanted to relive the old days.  I wanted to laugh with you.  I'm trying to get over the hate that I have for you. I haven't felt it in a long time. But I do feel sad about it.  That after all this time you would still deny me when all I want is an opportunity to make things different.. I really do mean it when I say I miss you.  When we were sitting together and I whispered it to you and you said it back.  I know you miss me. I know you'd like to talk.  To catch up.  You try too hard to make me like you now.  And part of me wants to give in.  But that's just it.
I know that there's a part of you that does it all out of guilt.
Part of you knows I'm broken.  And that same part knows it was all your fault.
I'm only sad because I have hope in us.  Hope that we will one day make things right. Talk about all the things we didn't, fix all the bullshit, and be friends again.
Real ones.

-53

You forgave me.  You didn't say the words.  I know you're never going to.
I remember once when I tried to apologize and you said that you didn't want to hear it.  You gave me some bullshit about how if you haven't brought it up that it wasn't worth fighting over.  I hated that response.  Your answer for dealing with all your problems.  You only do confront what you think is out of control.
But it's the little things.  All those things that tend to get out of control.  It's all those times we could have talked things out.  All those times we could have yelled at each other and told one another that it was over. It was a lot of those. How I wish we could have talked all those times.
The truth is it wasn't really bullshit after all.  I guess it never did get out of control.  And you didn't want to fight because all you wanted to do was forget.  Words are words.  Some people just need time and I get that.
I guess you hate to hear sorry like we do. 
One of these days I'll say I'm sorry anyway.  Just because I know you'd understand me when I say it.

-54

The world and the way I see it.

Truth is what we make it.  Our ideas and perceptions about truth make truth. Or at least what we think is truth.  It is so easy to lie and change it according to our own needs.  It is something very hard to see.  We understand what we are ready to understand.  Some truth is far too difficult to accept. Regardless of what we choose to be real the fact remains that truth does not rely on us.  It is and cannot change.

God and the way I see him

This weekend someone asked me about God.  She asked why everyone thinks God is angry and evil.  I think everyone can agree no matter the religion that God is love.  That God created life and watches over it. He takes action when it is necessary. He punishes the evil and rewards the just.

We were made in his image.  By this I think that we feel emotions that he feels.  We feel anger.  We feel sadness.  We feel happiness.  But above all Love.
I know quite a few people.  But not one of my friends can describe me the same.  There are some friends that I really get along with and love me.  There are others who dislike me.  I can try to be the same person to everyone but I doubt I can be.  I have different relationships with different people.
So when I think of God I think of him in that sense.  That he is like a father with many children. He loves all his children. But his relationships with them is affected by their obedience to him.

And so how does this I'll tie with truth?

I think that the way we see God is the way we want to see him.  Everyone sees him differently.  Some of us see what we want to see. And sometimes what we see is difficult.  The truth is that there is one true God.  Our view of him is based on our relationship with him.  If we see him as an angry God it is because we have disobeyed.  If we see him as a God of love it is because we have been obedient.

We do what is most comfortable to us.  Sometimes we believe what others tell us to believe.  Traditions, religions, and influence from others has no effect on what really is truth.  There is no right religion.

The way the he works

God is love.  Any person with faith in him will tell you that.  And it's because he loves us that he lets us do as we please.  So that we can love him out of our own free will. He does however have laws.  If you choose to disobey you can always and I do mean always ask for forgiveness. He is a God of love after all.  His love for us is infinite.  A hard concept to grasp being that we don't understand infinite.  When we get angry we stay angry and we sometimes never get over it.  I can make someone angry and apologize till I'm blue in the face but I might never get forgiven.  God is not that way he can be angry but he loves us even in his anger and is always willing to forgive. God is your best friend.

The way the rules work

Sin is doing what God does not want you to.  Hes that little voice in you.  Like your conscience that tells you what is right.
I've herd this question a million times: "why do bad things happen to good people"
There is no easy answer.
In my opinion there is no such thing as good people. But I personally believe there are 2 reasons why it happens.

If you were not good God is punishing you or if you were in fact good God is testing your love for him.

..to be continued

-55

I thought about what happened.  I can't quite say why it didn't work out exactly.  Who's fault doesn't really apply. Regardless of the reason I don't feel wrong about it.  It was something that had to happen.  And what's more is I love that we had a chance to talk about it.  We should be happy.  We didn't fight.  We ended right.  People you loved once never really leave you.  Let's try and make that memory a good one.  I told you I would never stop trying. 

-56

Who cares.  We place too much of our value on things that don't even matter. You asked me why I cared so much about them. Back then I had a perfect answer.  Something about how I love them and how I need them or how I know that they would or could love me the same.  But you were right in asking me why I cared so much.  I don't even know if you understood you're own question honestly.  I didn't even until just recently.   I wish you'd ask me now.  Asked me why my other relationships sucked.  Why nobody cared.  Why I can't be normal.  Or why any of it matters.  If you asked now.  I wouldn't be able to tell you why.  Why any of them matter.  Why I care so much about them.  Or used to.  Because honestly I don't know why I cared so much.  I feel nothing.  And not that half assed nothing where you say your good but it's only a one day thing. I feel nothing. I've felt nothing for what seems like months.
I guess none of this is really new.  But it's something I've found myself saying over and over again.
It doesn't matter.
Why do I care?
It doesn't matter.

-57

I didn't sleep tonight.  You were all I could think of.  It did burn.  It still does.  I feel like I failed you.  Like I owe you so much.  I feel horrible for what I had to say.  But every day I waited made it worse.  I want you back.  I still need you. I wish I didn't say what I did.  But it was right.
I'm glad you don't blame yourself.  With or without you I still care about you so much.  If you need me.  If you ever need to talk.  If you ever need something, someone, or anything at all.  I will always help you.
You're never alone just find me.
Please
Love Cristian

Happy Hippie Birthday

today it was your birthday
and i didn't know what to do
are you supposed to call the people you love
when you know they don't love you
today was your birthday
but i didn't dare to call
though i thought about you all day
even at midnight i wanted to call
to be the first one to send you my love
and wish you
happy hippy birthday
happy hippy birthday
happy hippy birthday
happy hippy birthday

35 candles on a cake
that i will never see
35 candles run away
that i picture in my head
35 years old and i'm 22
And i remember how you used to say
that i was young but you didn't care at all
happy hippy birthday
(REPEAT 3X)
16 of june 1973
my parents hadn't even met
16 of june 1973
was born the only boy i can ever love
we're 13 years apart
like my parents were
they're 13 years apart and for them it's worked out
they had me and my brother
they had me and my brother as achievements of their love
my father loved my mother so
that he would never let her down
my mother loved my father so
that she would never let him down
she loved him until the day he died
until the day he died
she will love him until the day she dies
until the day she dies
you could love me till the day you die
until the day you die
cause i will love you till the day i die
till the day i die
and even more.

-58

I know you can't. It's ok.  No one is perfect. I'm sure somehow it was both of us.  But I can forgive myself. I can take this.  You used to tell me about all these people in your life that hurt you.  And I would always say to myself.  Not me.  I wont be like them.  I will treat her well.  I wont ever make her feel the way they did.  I can't for her sake.  I still love you. I do.  Like I always did.  And it's that very love for you that wants to take the blame.  It's a good love.  We had something. I don't want to ruin it. I want to keep the good memories.  I want you to look back and smile when you think of me.  I want you to be happy about us.  You were right. It was inevitable.  And so I want you to be grateful for the way things end.  On a happy note.  No fight. No resentment. No hate. No sadness.  This has been the most positive relationship I've had since Jade.  You have done a lot for me.  I am eternally grateful to you for helping me so much.
So even though you wont say it. Or feel it.  Or want to accept it.
Lets say it was both of us.
But I take the blame. 
So that you can sleep at night.  So that you can be happy. So that you can smile when you remember.  So that I can finally feel like I've helped you.
I love you so much.
who knows one day it will rain. And you'll have something to smile about.
The pleasure was all mine Monkey
Thank you

-59

I guess it's only fair.  That I start with you.  I forgive you.  I forgive you and I.  For what we could not control.  I forgive you for what's not your fault.
But above all.  I'm sorry. I'm sorry for blaming you. I'm sorry for asking too much.  I'm sorry for making things worse.  I'm sorry I made you sad.  I'm sorry for all those times I couldn't find the words.  I'm sorry I was stupid.  I'm sorry I never really said I was sorry.  I'm sorry I couldn't stop hating myself.  I'm sorry because I just couldn't. 
Don't say you're sorry.  Just accept what I'm saying. And when the time is right please say you forgive me.

60

Reset
I talked about starting over.  No ones going to do it for me.  I guess I'll have to be the one to take the first step.  I'm hoping I can go in a different direction.  Change is good.  I hate change.  This post marks a turning point for me.  60 is important.  Now is as good a time as any to make a change for the better.  This blog is full of hate.  I can't let it control me anymore.  Strong emotions have helped me write.  And it's control of them which will help me take back what I've lost.

Or rewind.
I plan on writing and counting down until I reach 0.  At zero I just might stop.
Maybe.

59

You were my friend.  I know we didn't start off very well.  I know you hate me.  I used to hate you too.  It's OK though.  But those days are over.  There's no reason for any of this.  You need to let go.  I did. I feel a lot better.  I forgave you a long time ago. I just wish you could forgive me too.  Let go of your anger like I did.

58

The day will come when things do go bad.  Where it seems your whole life falls apart. Some people see God at rock bottom.  I wasn't right with God when I hit rock bottom.  I was stubborn.  I couldn't let go of my sins.  I wanted to feel like shit.  I wanted to be punished. I deserve my suffering.  I know you will forgive me God I know.  But I can't ask you to forgive me yet.  I will.  Not yet.  Let me feel like shit.  I have.  For some time.  It's guilt I suppose.  I know you can wash it all away. I know that if you say I'm forgiven that it would be as If I never sinned. I know. But I know I would remember.  And it's not fair.  To me It's not fair that I get off so easy.  I will apologize.  Ask for forgiveness.  I know that this guilt doesn't compare.  That you made the ultimate sacrifice for me.  You died so that I could say I'm sorry and be forgiven.  I know. I know its selfish of me to deny you.  I know that it doesn't have to be this way.  I just need time.  I want to make sure I do things right.