i love you i love you i love youu too betch♥ i will be spending new years in calexico with mah dad -mom-ur saggy women(oh yeah!) and my man i really wanted to go with lo and agus but i guess we needed time with mah baldyy dad.i really wish u were here so we can eat hamon and play with our forks and spoon then our moms will be all like RAWRR dont be playing with your food! and well be like stabing the ham all hardcore ♥
i wish u were here :( (buthurt)i was waiting for you in msn :C but i guess ur not coming till 12 anyways ill sneek in mah computer so we can talk yay well wishing u the best for these new years your jade♥2011 I LOVE YOU BITCH
57-4
And I did it. I let go of them. No one hurts anymore. I'm so alone and I'm not in pain anymore. I don't need anyone. I'm so fucking free of it all. Somedays it feels like if it weren't for those 3 that I would just drift away and disappear completely. 3 friends that are keeping me sane. 3 that are make me feel like this world is worth a dam. 3 reasons for me to not loose hope. 3 friends. 3 beautiful people that are keeping me alive. The last 2 months have been tough. Sometimes 3 sometimes 2 sometimes 1. Today it feels like just 1. But that's ok. Shes worth sticking around for.
57-3
3 years ago I fell in love with someone. 2 years ago she broke my heart. The 1st year I was sad. The 2nd year I was angry. And now so close to almost starting the 4th year since I met her I feel nothing.
I used to hate that I loved her. She had this way of telling me I wasn't good enough that really hurt. A kind of control I guess. I wanted so badly to be good enough. To make her happy. And it sucked. I was never enough. I was at times her best friend. But even that wasn't good enough. Nothing was.
Earlier this year I spoke with you. We talked about a lot of things. And like all the things you say it all kind of stayed with me. One thing we did talk about had a profound effect on me. When we talked about self control.
And so I spent the last year trying so hard to achieve that.
So after going over all of it in my head. Over and over again. I learned that there is no control over others. That you can only control what you are willing to control including yourself. You cannot control what you feel you can only control what you DO as a result of that feeling. It's possible to let go of everyone. You simply have to be willing to do it. I I also learned that truth is not dependent on whether we believe in it or not it is and will continue to be. In order to see it we must be willing to see what we do not want to. We must be willing to let go ourselves.
One thing you did say that was very important to me was when you said that it was possible to let go of everything. That all I had to do was be willing to make sacrifices. What did you mean by sacrifices? Sacrifice myself? My beliefs? My own feelings? To be able to control myself. I would have to die. I would have to cut off all my emotions. I would have to be willing to let go of my fear. I was afraid of loosing everyone. I was afraid that they somehow had too much control over me. That without them that I would loose my identity.
A new fear was born from it. A fear of the unknown. Who would I be? What would I become? Would I still be me? And without emotions would I even be human?
So I decided that I would have a contingency plan.
I chose 3 people. 3 people I would not let go of. 3 people who could bring me back should I ever loose myself.
Jadine Janette and Izabella.
I used to hate that I loved her. She had this way of telling me I wasn't good enough that really hurt. A kind of control I guess. I wanted so badly to be good enough. To make her happy. And it sucked. I was never enough. I was at times her best friend. But even that wasn't good enough. Nothing was.
Earlier this year I spoke with you. We talked about a lot of things. And like all the things you say it all kind of stayed with me. One thing we did talk about had a profound effect on me. When we talked about self control.
And so I spent the last year trying so hard to achieve that.
So after going over all of it in my head. Over and over again. I learned that there is no control over others. That you can only control what you are willing to control including yourself. You cannot control what you feel you can only control what you DO as a result of that feeling. It's possible to let go of everyone. You simply have to be willing to do it. I I also learned that truth is not dependent on whether we believe in it or not it is and will continue to be. In order to see it we must be willing to see what we do not want to. We must be willing to let go ourselves.
One thing you did say that was very important to me was when you said that it was possible to let go of everything. That all I had to do was be willing to make sacrifices. What did you mean by sacrifices? Sacrifice myself? My beliefs? My own feelings? To be able to control myself. I would have to die. I would have to cut off all my emotions. I would have to be willing to let go of my fear. I was afraid of loosing everyone. I was afraid that they somehow had too much control over me. That without them that I would loose my identity.
A new fear was born from it. A fear of the unknown. Who would I be? What would I become? Would I still be me? And without emotions would I even be human?
So I decided that I would have a contingency plan.
I chose 3 people. 3 people I would not let go of. 3 people who could bring me back should I ever loose myself.
Jadine Janette and Izabella.
57-2
I hold on to your words. Every conversation we have ever I've memorized. I go through it in my mind over and over again. Every conversation every comment every suggestion every idea and every correction I've kept with me. Over and over. It's all king of blended together. It's become like a set of rules to me. Like a standard. A form of support I can always fall back on in time when I need it. A guidline for every emotion or thought that tends to go astray. A new form of self control.
I give you way too much credit.-you would say
I give you way too much credit.-you would say
57-1
I don't know why I think of you so highly. Why every word that comes out of your mouth seems so important and so real. I've seen the way you hurt yourself. The way you let no one in. The way you separate yourself from everyone. The way your so alone. I can't help but worry about you. All those times when I know your out drunk. Trying so hard to forget, to be someone else, and to not feel a thing. I really don't know why I think of you as some great mentor. The kind of person fit to give me advice or to tell me the truth. Your sick. I love you but your sick. Maybe it's because you know me so well. Maybe it's because you and I are a lot alike. I admire you somehow. I don't understand it sometimes. How I can look up to you and want nothing more than to be like you. I'm not the smart one remember. What I don't know I guess. What you know about me is usually a lot more than just a guess. It's like somehow you know me. I don't know how but you do. And I need that.
A lonely road crossed another cold state lineMiles away from those I love, purpose hard to find
While I recall all the words you spoke to me
Can't help but wish that I was there, back where I'd love to be, oh yeah
Dear God, the only thing I ask of You
Is to hold her when I'm not around, when I'm much too far away
We all need that person who can be true to you
But I left her when I found her and now I wish I'd stayed
?Cause I'm lonely and I'm tired, I'm missing you again, oh no, once again
There's nothing here for me on this barren road
There's no one here while the city sleeps and all the shops are closed
Can't help but think of the times I've had with you
While I recall all the words you spoke to me
Can't help but wish that I was there, back where I'd love to be, oh yeah
Dear God, the only thing I ask of You
Is to hold her when I'm not around, when I'm much too far away
We all need that person who can be true to you
But I left her when I found her and now I wish I'd stayed
?Cause I'm lonely and I'm tired, I'm missing you again, oh no, once again
There's nothing here for me on this barren road
There's no one here while the city sleeps and all the shops are closed
Can't help but think of the times I've had with you
Pictures and some memories will have to help me through, oh yeah Dear God, the only thing I ask of You
Is to hold her when I'm not around, when I'm much too far awayWe all need that person who can be true to you
I left her when I found her and now I wish I'd stayed
?Cause I'm lonely and I'm tired, I'm missing you again, oh no, once again
Well, some search never finding a way
Before long they waste away
I found you, something told me to stay
I gave in to selfish ways
And how I miss someone to hold when hope begins to fade
A lonley road crossed another cold state line
Miles away from those I love, purpose hard to find
Dear God, the only thing I ask of You
Is to hold her when I'm not around, when I'm much too far away
We all need the person who can be true to you
I left her when I found her and now I wish I'd stayed
?Cause I'm lonely and I'm tired, I'm missing you again, oh no, once again
my suckass christmas:3
dear spiral,
my noche buena (before x-mas) was OK first.i went to palos house to get change and shit then after DAT we went to her dads grandmas house to eat hamon but i was eager to go to my grandmas house lieek crazy!! so yea we got there around 9:bitching clock that got me pissed.when i got home i saw loana and agus that made me feel happy after a long time wait loana got a little down since she was waiting for me to come back home i explained everything and yay it was all good in dah hood :3then paloma and beba left to go with mario to her grandmas house so we were kinda waiting for that moment to be all alone the three of us .SO yeaa we kinda got of the hook after dat thats where the fun begin:)we kinda went to the kitchen and sat with the ppl then mi tia martha looked at us and said mh.. its almost gonna be x-mas u guys want wine and we were like :O!! yea
so she gave us wine in a foam cup how cheesy! and agus claimed PFF! U SERVED SO LITTLE (half of the cup) and my tia said well its strong u guys are gonna end up kahooeys if i serve alot .so yea there we were in my grandmas room doing the ordinary figthing and sqealing lieek the pigs we are. loana took a really big gulp and then she screamed ahh my throat is burning ahh! :Oand we started to laugh well heres the thing we all drank our wine we didnt quite get drunk but we were acting all retarded and stupid... so we kept searching for wine in the house we found rompope ca-shing$ it was actually fun
my noche buena (before x-mas) was OK first.i went to palos house to get change and shit then after DAT we went to her dads grandmas house to eat hamon but i was eager to go to my grandmas house lieek crazy!! so yea we got there around 9:bitching clock that got me pissed.when i got home i saw loana and agus that made me feel happy after a long time wait loana got a little down since she was waiting for me to come back home i explained everything and yay it was all good in dah hood :3then paloma and beba left to go with mario to her grandmas house so we were kinda waiting for that moment to be all alone the three of us .SO yeaa we kinda got of the hook after dat thats where the fun begin:)we kinda went to the kitchen and sat with the ppl then mi tia martha looked at us and said mh.. its almost gonna be x-mas u guys want wine and we were like :O!! yea
so she gave us wine in a foam cup how cheesy! and agus claimed PFF! U SERVED SO LITTLE (half of the cup) and my tia said well its strong u guys are gonna end up kahooeys if i serve alot .so yea there we were in my grandmas room doing the ordinary figthing and sqealing lieek the pigs we are. loana took a really big gulp and then she screamed ahh my throat is burning ahh! :Oand we started to laugh well heres the thing we all drank our wine we didnt quite get drunk but we were acting all retarded and stupid... so we kept searching for wine in the house we found rompope ca-shing$ it was actually fun
56
I go to work in about 3hrs. I haven't even started getting ready and I'm not in a hurry. I finished spray painting. The paint is still wet though. I haven't packed. Theirs clothes I gotta wash. I'm leaving tomorrow morning. But I don't care. I just want to sit here and waste time together. I'd stay here the entire weekend if it meant wed both be here.
55
It's a cold place for those who aren't loved. For those who never get to hear those beautiful words. For those who get lied to. For those who say it alone. And for those who have to beg for it.
I also wish it was easier. That the little things didn't matter. That I was ok. That you were too. That there wasn't this space between us. I wish I could love myself. I wish I knew how to be happy. I wish you really could help me. I wish I would have tried harder. It was never your fault. There's nothing wrong with you. Not anymore. I helped you. In my own way I did. Maybe your not all quite there yet but you will. It's just a matter of time. Your heart is stronger than mine. And now that you don't need me you feel you don't love me anymore. You'd hate me for saying it. But I know it's true. I know you never did. Maybe in your own way you did. I sure felt it. I rarely got to hear it. When I did it was probably the truth. It sucks to have to say it alone, to have to beg you to stay, and being left alone begging for an I love you that I know wont come.
I also wish it was easier. That the little things didn't matter. That I was ok. That you were too. That there wasn't this space between us. I wish I could love myself. I wish I knew how to be happy. I wish you really could help me. I wish I would have tried harder. It was never your fault. There's nothing wrong with you. Not anymore. I helped you. In my own way I did. Maybe your not all quite there yet but you will. It's just a matter of time. Your heart is stronger than mine. And now that you don't need me you feel you don't love me anymore. You'd hate me for saying it. But I know it's true. I know you never did. Maybe in your own way you did. I sure felt it. I rarely got to hear it. When I did it was probably the truth. It sucks to have to say it alone, to have to beg you to stay, and being left alone begging for an I love you that I know wont come.
54
It's a rare thing. To have someone get so close. To give someone that much power over you. To let them in. Deeper than your comfortable. So damn deep that they can see you for who you really are. Where there are no lies. No fear but the fear of loosing them. It's a rare thing to let them that close inside your heart. Where they can hurt you. Where just one word can change your whole life. Where one word means the difference between life or death. And where one word and save you from hell or take you straight there.
53
I have a painting hanging from my wall. It was given to me by a very close friend. It meant a lot to me at the time. When you have no one and you feel so alone. When everyone is gone. And suddenly out of nowhere that one special person shows up. And they're everything you need. It's hard not to get excited and to feel hope again. But then she left me. She never said why. She and I never talked about it. She didn't answer her phone. She was never around. She just left. No reason. No fight. No closure.
I still have the painting hanging from my wall. It was very special to me at one point. When I look at it I don't look at it with anger or sadness or even regret. I see the picture for what it was when it was given to me. At the time the painting gave me hope. Made me feel like I was worth a damn. People rip up their ex's pictures, burn their letters, donate their old clothes, and pawn their old gifts. When someone is upset the first thing that person will do is destroy everything. Whether it was a friendship or something deeper. The memory those objects once had is lost. And its memory is only a reminder of the pain.
but not me
I still have that painting hanging from my wall. And when I look into it, on days I can still look at it, I smile.
I still have the painting hanging from my wall. It was very special to me at one point. When I look at it I don't look at it with anger or sadness or even regret. I see the picture for what it was when it was given to me. At the time the painting gave me hope. Made me feel like I was worth a damn. People rip up their ex's pictures, burn their letters, donate their old clothes, and pawn their old gifts. When someone is upset the first thing that person will do is destroy everything. Whether it was a friendship or something deeper. The memory those objects once had is lost. And its memory is only a reminder of the pain.
but not me
I still have that painting hanging from my wall. And when I look into it, on days I can still look at it, I smile.
52
I said I hated the word sorry. That it meant nothing to me. It's just a word. Very rarely does someone mean it. Like some kind of a cruel reflex towards causing someone pain. It's what you say when you have no way of explaining how much you regret something. But it's shit. It's just one word after all. Everyone says it. It has lost all meaning. It's garbage. I hate hearing it. I hear it too often. It's the periods of every sentence in this sad pathetic poem I'm writing. Everything ends in an I'm sorry.
No your not. Your not sorry for this pain you've caused. If you could go back you wouldn't even change a damn thing. Don't say you will. Your not sorry don't say you are. I don't need to hear it from you. I really don't want to hear it from you please. Please don't say it to me.
I'm sorry I feel this way.
I'm sorry I didn't tell you before.
I'm sorry I think it's me.
I'm sorry I think it's really you.
I'm sorry I told you.
I'm sorry but this is it.
No your not. Your not sorry for this pain you've caused. If you could go back you wouldn't even change a damn thing. Don't say you will. Your not sorry don't say you are. I don't need to hear it from you. I really don't want to hear it from you please. Please don't say it to me.
I'm sorry I feel this way.
I'm sorry I didn't tell you before.
I'm sorry I think it's me.
I'm sorry I think it's really you.
I'm sorry I told you.
I'm sorry but this is it.
51
I hate that they tell you and not me. That they blame you. That they make you feel the way they do. It's not fair. None of it is. I want to relive the old days. All I ever have is good memories. All I want is to make more. All I want is for us to be close. I know it's what you want too. I wish they would just mind their own business. I wish they would shut the fuck up. I wish they wouldn't talk about what they don't understand. I wish they would just leave us alone.
Mexico
I'll be in Mexico for the next couple days. I left today and will be here until Sunday. I'm writing to you from my cusins computer. I'll see you Monday
50
How about today? Is today another wild guess? Have you ever known? Will you ever? And now that everything has changed. Now that you have what you need. Now that your getting better. Now that it hurts a lot less. Now that none of this is necessary. Now that you and I don't need to talk. Now that I fixed your fucking miserable life.
Whats left for me? Am I still needed? Will you fade away like all the others before me. Will you abandon me while you still can? Will you leave me in this shit hole we dug together? Are we dying? Is this what you described it would be? Like all those dead fucks you used and abandoned. Like the garbage that hurt you will you hurt me? Now that you don't need me.
Whats left of us? What about all those times. All those damn nights we stayed together talked about the bad things. Said we would be there for each other. What was that? More fucking lies? Like I don't have enough already? This is bullshit. Fuck this. You lied to me. You're leaving and you don't have the decency to just admit it to me. Where dying. Where fucking dying and it's all your fault. You've killed us. You've led us to where we are. I'm still trying. Like I did. Like I am. Like I still am. Alone.
Whats left for me? Am I still needed? Will you fade away like all the others before me. Will you abandon me while you still can? Will you leave me in this shit hole we dug together? Are we dying? Is this what you described it would be? Like all those dead fucks you used and abandoned. Like the garbage that hurt you will you hurt me? Now that you don't need me.
Whats left of us? What about all those times. All those damn nights we stayed together talked about the bad things. Said we would be there for each other. What was that? More fucking lies? Like I don't have enough already? This is bullshit. Fuck this. You lied to me. You're leaving and you don't have the decency to just admit it to me. Where dying. Where fucking dying and it's all your fault. You've killed us. You've led us to where we are. I'm still trying. Like I did. Like I am. Like I still am. Alone.
49
I don't want you in my house. Not you, not your friends. and not anyone. This is where I come to get away from it all. I meant when I said I hated how much I loved you. This whole last year was me trying to say that. And now were at a point where I don't have to. I wish you would just get the hint and know how much I just want you gone. I have to be nice to you. I have to try if you try. But I'm done trying and I really don't like you anymore. Don't make me have to say leave. Don't make me have to push you out of my life. But you will be over wont you? You and your friend and your guilt. You're all coming to my house. I want to scream. I want to cry. I want so badly to uninvited you. I'm good now. I really am. I'm slowly getting better. Dammit why wont you let me be free.
48
I was at home sitting waiting for another day of work to start. Like I always do. Dreading the thought of having to go there again. No one there is real. No one there is happy. Everyone there is sick. Like there's this disease that takes a hold of people. Keeps them weak. Keeps them helpless as they slowly die. So I remind myself why I go there. And I tell myself it's just another day. That I'll get through it like I got through the days before it. But it's a lie. I hate the feeling. I shouldn't have to lie to myself. And tell myself that it's the job I'm really worried about. When it has nothing to do with it.
45
I don't know what it is exactly this time around. It feels like I'm seeing you for the very first time. I don't know how to describe the feeling. Like maybe today I don't feel as strongly about it all. Maybe today I see you for what you really are. Today you're just someone else. And I don't really feel as much of an obligation to do or say anything I don't want to. Seems very liberating to be able to shut you up. To put you in your place. And to make you feel the way you deserve. But I don't think I was as angry as before. Most of it has gone away. You're not as important. I can go on without you today. Tomorrow you wont cross my mind or the day after. I'll eventually remember you. When I do I don't think I'll be angry.
44
Who are you? I don't think I know you. I don't think we've met. No we haven't.
This is not my home. This is not were I belong.
I know you though. I know everything about you. What you like. What kind of person you are.
Why you do the things you do. What you feel. What makes you hurt.
You and I are strangers and it's how it will always be. You'll never get to know me.
You'll never know exactly why you and I cannot be. But I know.
I don't belong here. This is not my home.
This is not my home. This is not were I belong.
I know you though. I know everything about you. What you like. What kind of person you are.
Why you do the things you do. What you feel. What makes you hurt.
You and I are strangers and it's how it will always be. You'll never get to know me.
You'll never know exactly why you and I cannot be. But I know.
I don't belong here. This is not my home.
43
Stop Don't stop. Go away. Stay with me. I need you. I don't. I love you. Fuck you. I think I'm ready. I think I'm not. Someday. Never.
What's wrong?
Don't ask.
Can I help?
No.
Shut up.
I'm leaving.
No don't go.
I really do need you.
Then prove it.
I can't.
You're stuck.
So help me.
I can't.
Why not?
You wont let me.
Oh I know.
Sorry.
I'm here if you need me.
I know.
I love you.
I love you too.
Goodnight.
Goodnight.
What's wrong?
Don't ask.
Can I help?
No.
Shut up.
I'm leaving.
No don't go.
I really do need you.
Then prove it.
I can't.
You're stuck.
So help me.
I can't.
Why not?
You wont let me.
Oh I know.
Sorry.
I'm here if you need me.
I know.
I love you.
I love you too.
Goodnight.
Goodnight.
42
Why the hell do you care now? I don't want you to try and contact me. There is no WE. You and I are nothing. What do you miss? You miss ignoring me? taking me for granted? avoiding me? insulting me? why don't you just say it? You miss hurting me. You miss how I made you feel. You're selfish. Yeah it's been a while. I know. Where were you this whole time? So..you miss me? Fuck you. You're dead to me. I never knew you.
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