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You try and you fail. You give it your all. You know that if you keep trying and just hang in there that it will make somewhat of a difference.  But the truth is that some people aren't worth the effort.  Some people can hurt and never feel a thing.  And it's those people you should let go.  I wanted so badly to believe in something in someone that I believed a lie.  It's difficult. 
After so long to admit to being wrong.  To give in.  And to embrace despair.  What a word that is.  Despair.  Few people will ever truly understand it to its full extent.  A final surrender to any and all things that should result of that failure. 
I was told I wasn't good enough. What a horrible thing to say to someone. To make that person feel so small. So helpless.  And when I cried she said I was pathetic.  It wasn't fair.  I hate how you treated me then.  And now?  Fuck you now.  I don't want to see you.  I don't want you to apologize or to even try.  All I want is to never see you again.  Because some people aren't worth it.  I tried then.  Where were you?  I was there for you every time you needed me. 
I believed in you. In something about you.  That no matter what you said or did you were different inside.  I wanted to believe int that so much that I was blind.  And after so long.  After loving you for so many years.  For what? To be tossed aside by a stranger.  That is what you are to me. A stranger.  I never knew you.  I fell in love with someone who doesn't exist. 
Despair sounds right. You never had hope for us.  And it's now that I hit the bottom that I find there was never any hope to begin with.  It's overwhelming.  Crushed by the weight of my grief for you my dead friend.