40

People keep asking me how I'm doing.  Like they care. You don't. Like they think they can help.  You can't. Like they think I cant wait to tell them.  I tried.  Before it was hard. You let me do it alone. Somethings you don't have to ask. You just know and you can see it regardless.  And so it's hard sometimes.  To keep it all in and to keep them all out. As you stay in one piece and remain in control.  So I don't want to say how I'm doing.  I don't need your help.  I've gotten this far alone so I think I can keep going without you.  I've let go of you all.
I tried.  I tried longer than I should have.  I gave everything I had.  And somehow it wasn't enough for you all.  You still want to know how I feel?
I feel nothing for you. You are all trash.  Your animals I hope you eat each other alive.
Fuck you all.
Tomorrow will be a good day I know it will be.  There's hope. I don't see it yet.  But I know it.
I'll carve it out myself. 
I should take my own advice. 
This is a happy post.
You wont hurt me anymore.  Starting today.

"Not today"

Words to live by

39

I don't think I can take over when your done.  I don't think I have it in me to just start up again. Not now at least.  I'm being held back.  Sometimes its you sometimes it's everything.  You ruined everything.  I can't wait till your gone.

38

You screwed it all up again today.  Like last month and the month before that.  This whole year seems like such a waste.  You really don't care do you?  I wish you knew how much it affects everyone.  Your actions have hurt everyone and it's about time you stop.  You have no respect.  I am embarrassed by you yet again.  You pride yourself in being mature and responsible.  But your still just a child. 
So I'm going to treat you like one.

3.9

I just wanted to say, that I realized that I really do need you.

And I really do love you. I'm sorry for today. I have no idea what I'd do if I ever screwed it over with you.  Thank you for not giving up on me just yet. I love you, I love you, I love you. 

37

I admire you.  I don't think I've ever met anyone as smart as you.  Anyone who thinks or feels the way you do.  I think being your friend is such a privilege.  I know you don't see it.  You said you didn't think I got it right. I know you hate yourself.  You don't say it.  And you may not believe it.  But I know you do.  Every time you hurt yourself you say it.  I love you so much.  And it hurts to know you hate yourself that much.

36

You try and you fail. You give it your all. You know that if you keep trying and just hang in there that it will make somewhat of a difference.  But the truth is that some people aren't worth the effort.  Some people can hurt and never feel a thing.  And it's those people you should let go.  I wanted so badly to believe in something in someone that I believed a lie.  It's difficult. 
After so long to admit to being wrong.  To give in.  And to embrace despair.  What a word that is.  Despair.  Few people will ever truly understand it to its full extent.  A final surrender to any and all things that should result of that failure. 
I was told I wasn't good enough. What a horrible thing to say to someone. To make that person feel so small. So helpless.  And when I cried she said I was pathetic.  It wasn't fair.  I hate how you treated me then.  And now?  Fuck you now.  I don't want to see you.  I don't want you to apologize or to even try.  All I want is to never see you again.  Because some people aren't worth it.  I tried then.  Where were you?  I was there for you every time you needed me. 
I believed in you. In something about you.  That no matter what you said or did you were different inside.  I wanted to believe int that so much that I was blind.  And after so long.  After loving you for so many years.  For what? To be tossed aside by a stranger.  That is what you are to me. A stranger.  I never knew you.  I fell in love with someone who doesn't exist. 
Despair sounds right. You never had hope for us.  And it's now that I hit the bottom that I find there was never any hope to begin with.  It's overwhelming.  Crushed by the weight of my grief for you my dead friend. 

35

Just for today I will have a program.  I may not follow it exactly, but I will have it.  I will save myself from two pests: hurry and indecision

34

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

33

Someone told me I changed.  That I'm a totally different person these days.  That I'm a lot nicer now.  That I've opened up.  That it's a good thing. And asked what made me change.
Because I made you a promise.

And I told you I would change.  And now that I hate you I don't know what to do.  I want this hate.  I want you to suffer.  I want you to fail at everything you do. I want you to see how full of shit you are. And how everything you have and everything you have accomplished means nothing.  I want you to feel empty inside and I want you to feel alone.

You smiled today and you said my name.  You asked to take a picture with me.  You sat with me. You hugged me...

And its all shit!  Fuck you! Who gives you the right?! To come back to be nice to show affection. To act like it's all ok.  Like we can be friends again like you didn't screw me over.  Fuck that guilt you have inside you. I don't want you in my life. I want you to hate me.  I want you to stop like I have.  It's not fair!!! 

I dont't want this!  I want you gone.  I can't be this way.

Someone told me I changed?

No not yet. Today I enjoyed the hug. 

32

Love songs are for those that's in love
What can sweeter be?
But I ain't got nobody
Dedicate the blues to me
Love songs are for those who knows
How sweet happiness can be
All I've ever known
Was loneliness
Dedicate the blues to me
I've walked
I've always walked alone
With no one to walk by my side
I've lost count of all the lonely nights
I've hung my
Hung my head and cried
One of these days I'll find someone to love
I don't know how long it will be
But until I find that someone
Oh yes
Dedicate the blues to me.
-Barbara Lynn

29

I don't know. I just don't think you're all there sometimes.  I know you like me. And you know I like you but i just don't feel you.  You're so important to me and I'd like to think I'm important too. But I just don't know.  You say Hi and you ask me how I am. You ask me questions and you say your there. But i know you're not.  I hate that this even crosses my mind.  I don't want to doubt you. But I miss you.  And I want my friend back.  I don't know where you've been or if you ever came back. All I know is I need you. And I don't feel you're there.  I love you.  I wish you could hear me. 

28

If your reading this I want you to know what happened the other day was not ok. It was ok for you to feel the way you did.  I think that it wasn't fair.  I'm not taking anyone's side. I just don't think it was handled very well.  Maybe they were right. Maybe it did have to be said. But they didn't have to single you out and embarrass you in front of everyone.  That wasn't ok.  Im sorry you had to go trough that. 

27

  I'm so happy I didn't see you today.  I don't think I could have held it in today.  You or anyone else. 
  ...Maybe you don't care to hear if I am or not anymore.  Maybe it's a good thing you didn't get to ask me today.  I'd hate to have to chew you out for something you don't even understand...
  I hope your not there again next week. Part of me wants you there just so we can argue
but I just don't feel the time is right.

26

It's not ok to forget. Or to ignore. To make them take the blame when it's yours. Make them say sorry when it's you that should say it. Make them cry. Make them feel so small and meaningless and then crush them. To take so much from them and give nothing in return. It's not ok to be so selfish. It's not ok to expect them to always be there when you leave them when they need you. It's really not ok to lie to their face. But above all it's not ok to say you love them when you don't.

25

Little children, let no one lead you astray. He who does righteousness is righteous, even as he is righteous. He who sins is of the devil, for the devil has been sinning from the beginning. To this end the Son of God was revealed, that he might destroy the works of the devil. Whoever is born of God doesn't commit sin, because his seed remains in him; and he can't sin, because he is born of God. In this the children of God are revealed, and the children of the devil. Whoever doesn't do righteousness is not of God, neither is he who doesn't love his brother. For this is the message which you heard from the beginning, that we should love one another; unlike Cain, who was of the evil one, and killed his brother. Why did he kill him? Because his works were evil, and his brother's righteous. Don't be surprised, my brothers, if the world hates you. We know that we have passed out of death into life, because we love the brothers. He who doesn't love his brother remains in death. Whoever hates his brother is a murderer, and you know that no murderer has eternal life remaining in him.

24

Why do you care anymore?  You didn't used to care. You didn't give a shit then whats changed? Not that it matters.  I'm gone now and I'm not coming back.  Don't talk to me I'm trying to forget you.  Today was easy.  Too easy. Just leave me alone. Don't talk to me out of guilt or pity. Don't talk to me at all. I don't care anymore.  Don't make me have to say it. Are you just now realizing I'm gone?  Fuck you go back were you came from and take your I'm sorry with you.

23

Arrepentimiento
I'm sorry I wasn't what you wanted me to be.
I'm sorry I was angry.  I'm sorry I yelled so much.
I'm sorry I never made a move to make things better.
I owed you so much more. You really do mean a lot to me.
I've changed so much since then.
And one day I'll show you how much.
Thank you for forgiving me.  I needed this so much.
I'm a new person and I deserve another chance.
This time around I promise I will be different.

I love you.