22

There were times when I could see what you were going through.  I wanted to talk to you.  Tell you every thing was going to get better.  Show you that you weren't alone.  I wanted to talk to you about it all.
But I couldn't.  There are reasons for that.  You and I both know them all too well.
But we both found a way didn't we?  And I know I can speak for you when I say that you felt the same way.  Were both just too far apart.  It wasn't about what we said it was about making that effort and knowing that the other didn't necessarily understand but was there and was willing to.  You always ask the same question and I always give the same answer.

How are you?...I'm just tired but I'm fine thanks for asking.
We both know why I'm tired.
We both know I'm not fine.
But we both know I'm glad you asked.

Thank you for asking the same question over and over again every time.
I'm sorry it's the only answer I can give.
Thank you.

21

Waking up to the same feeling
and I know
and I don't
and I wish
and I hope
and I can't
and I won't
and I just want to stop
Can't sleep can't dream can't stop
the fear
Living a nightmare unable to forget
and my heart keeps pounding
and I try too hard to keep it in
and as i take a breath i choke and I struggle
and I start to feel it come
and my heart beats faster
and I realize what's happening
and I fight harder push harder swallow hard choke cough
and remind myself
not today  

20

I needed you today.
like other days when I needed them.
and you're not here.
It's not your fault.
It's the way things are.
It's how they've always been.
The feeling is overwhelming
When you realize you're all
alone.

19

Some days I don't know if I do or not.
Some days I do but I can't.
But mostly all I ever do is try not to.
It's always the same.
Every day my heart screams out to you.
And every day you make it cry out for you.
Giving up is always so hard for me.
I take if very personally.
But this isn't my fault. 
I deserve this. It's my right.
I need this more than anything right now.
I always knew this day would come.
and I always wished it would.
I can't keep believing in a lie.
I feel so embarrassed to say this but
I was wrong.
Your are not what I made you up to be.
I wanted so badly to believe in something
In you.
But I was wrong
And I can finally say it..
I hate you with all my heart.
I've wanted to hate you for too long
and for too long I've stopped myself.
everyday was hard and every day after was harder
but Today it's simple.
Today you are dead to me.

18

Ive gone too
far
and I just realized I did it all
alone
somedays I wish I could
turn to you
but I know those days are
over
and I can't let myself
go back
all I know is I'm
scared
and I don't know if i'll ever
come home

17

There back.
You took them in again like nothing had ever happened.
I'm happy for you. I am.
I hope you remember what I tried to do for you.
I hope you don't forget me when everything is said and done.
I hope you still need me with them around.

16

I was starting to feel guilty. And like always I was starting to blame myself. I have nothing to feel sorry for.  I didn't do anything wrong.  But I can't say the same thing about you.  It's funny I almost said it today. I almost took you in again. What a mistake that would have been.

15

What do you want from me? You failed us all and you embarrassed me. I can't stand to look at you and all I want to do is walk out.  I'm fighting with my self trying hard not to yell at you and tell you I hate you.  I don't want to give up on you. I want you to realize what you did and what your doing. It was not OK. And you have to change. I want you to suffer and I want you to hate yourself. I want you to feel disgusted with yourself every time you think about it. I want you to want to change into someone you can be proud of someone we can all look up to. Don't ask me to act like every thing is fine. It's not. and I'm not. I can't smile today and it's all your fault. Don't expect me to love you today either.

14

We forget what doesn't matter
We ignore what we don't value
We lie to those who don't deserve the truth
but we fear those who have it

The truth is we are selfish animals
everyone of us.

13

When you were hurt I was there
and I helped as best I could
but the're not here anymore
and it's ok
we have eachother
and someday they'll come around
they'll see how important you are
and they'll say they're sorry


I wish they could see what I see
I've never met someone with a bigger heart
to try so hard, to hurt as much,
and to love so deeply
I'm proud of you
I admire you
you will never know what it
feels to be alone as long as I'm around
I wish I could take away all your pain
I wish I could make you happy
like you've made me
I never did thank you for what you did
for me
Thank you
Thank you for saving me
I dont know who or where I'll be
I dont know who or where you will either
but I want you to know
that it wont change how much
I love you
be happy and smile
and know that
I'm always going to be here.

12

All i need is for you to respect me.
All i need is for you to trust me.
All i need is for you to forgive me.
because all i want is for you to see me as something more
because all i want is for us to grow
because all i want is to come home

11

you were the one thing i had control over
and you were there with me when
no one else was
and now i have to stay away
i cant stop thinking about you
but we cant be together
i wish i was strong enough to say goodbye
but all you do is hurt me
and i cant have you around

10

somedays you love me
you tell me i mean the world to you
but what about today
why do i have to ask you
and tommorow
is it real
why dont i believe you anymore
im so lost

9

you said you loved me but fuck you
where were you when i needed you
why do i even have to ask
why is it no one was around
fuck you
everytime you say that you love me
fuck you and fuck every word that
comes out of you mouth
i hate that you left me
i hate that you dont even know what
you did to me

8

im scared. sometimes its nice to be able to
look back and hold on to something or someone
to remind yourself of who you are. its funny how
people can become such a big part of your life
so big that they become a part of you. they begin
to define your very heart. its scary to think what
would happen if they ever left.  
i find hope in you. and that hope gives me fear.
i love you.

7

i can still remember the words you told me
and theres times when i think back and
all i have is those words
words i try and find strength in
to do what i know is right

6

i know i made you a promise
and i said that i would try
that everything was going to change
and they have
but not the way you expected
days go by and i still think of what
i said
and i try so hard these days to live up to them
and it hurts so much sometimes to think
that one day it will all be over
days like today all i try is to love you enough
to be loyal
and for once
to earn your respect

5

never have i wanted someone to go away this bad
never have i hurt this much over someone
never has someone gotten in my way of happyness
threatened to steal everything from me
i hate you so much
and i dont want to
i want you to know that i love you
but you wont let me
i cant say the words
and you wont let me
i know why you wont
but you have to let me try its killing me inside
and all i ever try and do is not hate you

4

i feel it like its already here. i was scared when i first realized it. i know i cant avoid it. i know its not anyone's fault.
i hate that i know.
i wish i could hold on to you forever. that i didnt have to do this.
i left you.
and im so sorry. im so sorry
i didnt tell you that i left
and what hurts even more is you didn't even realize
how could you not realize im not here anymore
im gone and i want to come back
i miss you so much and you dont even know.
you dont know. the thought doesnt ever cross your mind.
and here i am alone. im sorry i gave up on us. im sorry you dont know.

2

there was a fire
and just like everything
and everyone
like every passing moment it
all came together
for one last time
shattered and distorted
and with it every memory
like embers
into the cold dark night
scattered and dying

1

If you looked into a mirror and saw your reflection you would
acknowledge the image you saw as your own. When you write your
words mirror the heart that writes them. And the heart you
write with mirrors the heart within me. When I read your words
I feel a part of me I thought was gone. Myself.