HAPPY NEW YEARS :3

i love you i love you i love youu too betch♥ i will be spending new years in calexico with mah dad -mom-ur saggy women(oh yeah!) and my man i really wanted to go with lo and agus but i guess we needed time with mah baldyy dad.i really wish u were here so we can eat hamon and  play with our forks and spoon then our moms will be all like RAWRR dont be playing with your food! and well be like stabing the ham all hardcore ♥
i wish u were here :( (buthurt)i was waiting for you in msn :C but i guess ur not coming till 12 anyways ill sneek in mah computer so we can talk yay well wishing u the best for these new years your jade♥2011 I LOVE YOU BITCH

57-4

And I did it.  I let go of them.  No one hurts anymore.  I'm so alone and I'm not in pain anymore.  I don't need anyone.  I'm so fucking free of it all.  Somedays it feels like if it weren't for those 3 that I would just drift away and disappear completely. 3 friends that are keeping me sane. 3 that are make me feel like this world is worth a dam.  3 reasons for me to not loose hope. 3 friends.  3 beautiful people that are keeping me alive.  The last 2 months have been tough. Sometimes 3 sometimes 2 sometimes 1.  Today it feels like just 1.  But that's ok.  Shes worth sticking around for. 

57-3

3  years ago I fell in love with someone.  2 years ago she broke my heart.  The 1st year I was sad.  The 2nd year I was angry.  And now so close to almost starting the 4th year since I met her I feel nothing. 
I used to hate that I loved her.  She had this way of telling me I wasn't good enough that really hurt.   A kind of control I guess.  I wanted so badly to be good enough.  To make her happy.   And it sucked. I was never enough.  I was at times her best friend.  But even that wasn't good enough.  Nothing was.
Earlier this year I spoke with you.  We talked about a lot of things.  And like all the things you say it all kind of stayed with me. One thing we did talk about had a profound effect on me.  When we talked about self control.
And so I spent the last year trying so hard to achieve that.

So after going over all of it in my head.  Over and over again.  I learned that there is no control over others. That you can only control what you are willing to control including yourself.  You cannot control what you feel you can only control what you DO as a result of that feeling.  It's possible to let go of everyone.  You simply have to be willing to do it. I I also learned that truth is not dependent on whether we believe in it or not it is and will continue to be.  In order to see it we must be willing to see what we do not want to. We must be willing to let go ourselves.

One thing you did say that was very important to me was when you said that it was possible to let go of everything.  That all I had to do was be willing to make sacrifices.  What did you mean by sacrifices?  Sacrifice myself?  My beliefs?  My own feelings?  To be able to control myself.  I would have to die.  I would have to cut off all my emotions.  I would have to be willing to let go of my fear.  I was afraid of loosing everyone.  I was afraid that they somehow had too much control over me.  That without them that I would loose my identity.
A new fear was born from it.  A fear of the unknown.  Who would I be?  What would I become?  Would I still be me? And without emotions would I even be human?
So I decided that I would have a contingency plan.
I chose 3 people.  3 people I would not let go of. 3 people who could bring me back should I ever loose myself.
Jadine Janette and Izabella.

57-2

I hold on to your words.  Every conversation we have ever I've memorized.  I go through it in my mind over and over again.  Every conversation every comment every suggestion every idea and every correction I've kept with me.  Over and over.  It's all king of blended together.  It's become like a set of rules to me.  Like a standard.  A form of support I can always fall back on in time when I need it.  A guidline for every emotion or thought that tends to go astray.  A new form of self control. 
I give you way too much credit.-you would say

57-1

I don't know why I think of you so highly.  Why every word that comes out of your mouth seems so important and so real.  I've seen the way you hurt yourself.  The way you let no one in.  The way you separate yourself from everyone.  The way your so alone.  I can't help but worry about you. All those times when I know your out drunk.  Trying so hard to forget, to be someone else, and to not feel a thing.  I really don't know why I think of you as some great mentor.  The kind of person fit to give me advice or to tell me the truth.  Your sick.  I love you but your sick.  Maybe it's because you know me so well.  Maybe it's because you and I are a lot alike.  I admire you somehow.  I don't understand it sometimes.  How I can look up to you and want nothing more than to be like you.  I'm not the smart one remember.  What I don't know I guess.  What you know about me is usually a lot more than just a guess.  It's like somehow you know me.  I don't know how but you do.  And I need that. 

A lonely road crossed another cold state lineMiles away from those I love, purpose hard to find
While I recall all the words you spoke to me
Can't help but wish that I was there, back where I'd love to be, oh yeah

Dear God, the only thing I ask of You
Is to hold her when I'm not around, when I'm much too far away
We all need that person who can be true to you
But I left her when I found her and now I wish I'd stayed
?Cause I'm lonely and I'm tired, I'm missing you again, oh no, once again

There's nothing here for me on this barren road
There's no one here while the city sleeps and all the shops are closed
Can't help but think of the times I've had with you

Pictures and some memories will have to help me through, oh yeah  Dear God, the only thing I ask of You

Is to hold her when I'm not around, when I'm much too far away
We all need that person who can be true to you
I left her when I found her and now I wish I'd stayed
?Cause I'm lonely and I'm tired, I'm missing you again, oh no, once again

Well, some search never finding a way
Before long they waste away
I found you, something told me to stay
I gave in to selfish ways
And how I miss someone to hold when hope begins to fade

A lonley road crossed another cold state line
Miles away from those I love, purpose hard to find

Dear God, the only thing I ask of You
Is to hold her when I'm not around, when I'm much too far away
We all need the person who can be true to you
I left her when I found her and now I wish I'd stayed
?Cause I'm lonely and I'm tired, I'm missing you again, oh no, once again

my suckass christmas:3

dear spiral,
my noche buena (before x-mas) was OK first.i went to palos house to get change and shit then after DAT we went to her dads grandmas house to eat hamon but i was eager to go to my grandmas house lieek crazy!! so yea we got there around 9:bitching clock that got me pissed.when i got home i saw loana and agus  that made me feel happy  after a long time wait loana got a little down since she was waiting for me to come back home i explained everything and yay it was all good in dah hood :3then paloma and beba left to go with mario to her grandmas house so we were kinda waiting for that moment to be all alone the three of us .SO yeaa we kinda got of the hook after dat  thats where the fun begin:)we kinda went to the kitchen and sat with the ppl then mi tia martha looked at us and said mh.. its almost gonna be x-mas u guys want wine and we were like :O!! yea
so she gave us wine in a foam cup how cheesy! and agus claimed PFF! U SERVED SO LITTLE (half of the cup) and my tia said well its strong u guys are gonna end up kahooeys if i serve alot .so yea there we were in my grandmas room doing the ordinary figthing and sqealing lieek the pigs we are.  loana took a really big gulp and then she screamed ahh my throat is burning ahh!  :Oand we started to laugh well heres the thing we all drank our wine we didnt quite get drunk but we were acting all retarded and stupid... so we kept searching for wine in the house we found rompope ca-shing$ it was actually fun

56

I go to work in about 3hrs.  I haven't even started getting ready and I'm not in a hurry.  I finished spray painting.  The paint is still wet though.  I haven't packed.  Theirs clothes I gotta wash.  I'm leaving tomorrow morning.  But I don't care.  I just want to sit here and waste time together.  I'd stay here the entire weekend if it meant wed both be here.

55

It's a cold place for those who aren't loved.  For those who never get to hear those beautiful words.  For those who get lied to.  For those who say it alone. And for those who have to beg for it.
I also wish it was easier.  That the little things didn't matter.  That I was ok.  That you were too.  That there wasn't this space between us. I wish I could love myself.  I wish I knew how to be happy. I wish you really could help me.  I wish I would have tried harder.  It was never your fault.  There's nothing wrong with you. Not anymore.  I helped you.  In my own way I did.  Maybe your not all quite there yet but you will.  It's just a matter of time.  Your heart is stronger than mine.  And now that you don't need me you feel you don't love me anymore.  You'd hate me for saying it.  But I know it's true.  I know you never did.  Maybe in your own way you did.  I sure felt it. I rarely got to hear it.  When I did it was probably the truth.  It sucks to have to say it alone, to have to beg you to stay, and being left alone begging for an I love you that I know wont come.

54

It's a rare thing.  To have someone get so close.  To give someone that much power over you. To let them in.  Deeper than your comfortable.  So damn deep that they can see you for who you really are.  Where there are no lies.  No fear but the fear of loosing them.  It's a rare thing to let them that close inside your heart. Where they can hurt you.  Where just one word can change your whole life.  Where one word means the difference between life or death. And where one word and save you from hell or take you straight there.

53

I have a painting hanging from my wall.  It was given to me by a very close friend.  It meant a lot to me at the time.  When you have no one and you feel so alone.  When everyone is gone.  And suddenly out of nowhere that one special person shows up.  And they're everything you need.  It's hard not to get excited and to feel hope again. But then she left me.  She never said why.  She and I never talked about it.  She didn't answer her phone.  She was never around.  She just left.  No reason.  No fight.  No closure. 
I still have the painting hanging from my wall.  It was very special to me at one point.  When I look at it I don't look at it with anger or sadness or even regret.  I see the picture for what it was when it was given to me.  At the time the painting gave me hope.  Made me feel like I was worth a damn. People rip up their ex's pictures, burn their letters, donate their old clothes, and pawn their old gifts.  When someone is upset the first thing that person will do is destroy everything.  Whether it was a friendship or something deeper.  The memory those objects once had is lost.  And its memory is only a reminder of the pain.
but not me
I still have that painting hanging from my wall.  And when I look into it, on days I can still look at it, I smile.

52

I said I hated the word sorry.  That it meant nothing to me. It's just a word.  Very rarely does someone mean it.  Like some kind of a cruel reflex towards causing someone pain.  It's what you say when you have no way of explaining how much you regret something.  But it's shit.  It's just one word after all.  Everyone says it.  It has lost all meaning.  It's garbage.  I hate hearing it.  I hear it too often. It's the periods of every sentence in this sad pathetic poem I'm writing.  Everything ends in an I'm sorry.
No your not.  Your not sorry for this pain you've caused.  If you could go back you wouldn't even change a damn thing. Don't say you will.  Your not sorry don't say you are.  I don't need to hear it from you.  I really don't want to hear it from you please. Please don't say it to me. 
I'm sorry I feel this way.
I'm sorry I didn't tell you before.
I'm sorry I think it's me.
I'm sorry I think it's really you.
I'm sorry I told you.
I'm sorry but this is it.

51

I hate that they tell you and not me.  That they blame you.  That they make you feel the way they do.  It's not fair.  None of it is.  I want to relive the old days.  All I ever have is good memories.  All I want is to make more.  All I want is for us to be close. I know it's what you want too.  I wish they would just mind their own business. I wish they would shut the fuck up.  I wish they wouldn't talk about what they don't understand. I wish they would just leave us alone.

Mexico

I'll be in Mexico for the next couple days.  I left today and will be here until Sunday.  I'm writing to you from my cusins computer.  I'll see you Monday

50

How about today?  Is today another wild guess?  Have you ever known? Will you ever?  And now that everything has changed.  Now that you have what you need.  Now that your getting better.  Now that it hurts a lot less. Now that none of this is necessary.  Now that you and I don't need to talk.  Now that I fixed your fucking miserable life.
Whats left for me?  Am I still needed? Will you fade away like all the others before me.  Will you abandon me while you still can?  Will you leave me in this shit hole we dug together?   Are we dying?  Is this what you described it would be?  Like all those dead fucks you used and abandoned.  Like the garbage that hurt you will you hurt me?  Now that you don't need me.
Whats left of us? What about all those times. All those damn nights we stayed together talked about the bad things.  Said we would be there for each other.  What was that?  More fucking lies? Like I don't have enough already?  This is bullshit.  Fuck this.  You lied to me.  You're leaving and you don't have the decency to just admit it to me.  Where dying.  Where fucking dying and it's all your fault.  You've killed us.  You've led us to where we are.  I'm still trying. Like I did.  Like I am.  Like I still am.  Alone.

49

I don't want you in my house.  Not you, not your friends. and not anyone.  This is where I come to get away from it all.  I meant when I said I hated how much I loved you.  This whole last year was me trying to say that.  And now were at a point where I don't have to.  I wish you would just get the hint and know how much I just want you gone.  I have to be nice to you. I have to try if you try.  But I'm done trying and I really don't like you anymore.  Don't make me have to say leave.  Don't make me have to push you out of my life.  But you will be over wont you?  You and your friend and your guilt.  You're all coming to my house.  I want to scream.  I want to cry.  I want so badly to uninvited you.  I'm good now.  I really am. I'm slowly getting better.  Dammit why wont you let me be free.

48

I was at home sitting waiting for another day of work to start.  Like I always do.  Dreading the thought of having to go there again.  No one there is real.  No one there is happy.  Everyone there is sick.  Like there's this disease that takes a hold of people.  Keeps them weak.  Keeps them helpless as they slowly die.  So I remind myself why I go there.  And I tell myself it's just another day.  That I'll get through it like I got through the days before it.  But it's a lie.  I hate the feeling.  I shouldn't have to lie to myself.  And tell myself that it's the job I'm really worried about.  When it has nothing to do with it.

45

I don't know what it is exactly this time around.  It feels like I'm seeing you for the very first time.  I don't know how to describe the feeling.  Like maybe today I don't feel as strongly about it all.  Maybe today I see you for what you really are.  Today you're just someone else.  And I don't really feel as much of an obligation to do or say anything I don't want to.  Seems very liberating to be able to shut you up.  To put you in your place. And to make you feel the way you deserve.  But I don't think I was as angry as before.  Most of it has gone away.  You're not as important.  I can go on without you today.  Tomorrow you wont cross my mind or the day after.  I'll eventually remember you.  When I do I don't think I'll be angry.

44

Who are you?  I don't think I know you.  I don't think we've met.  No we haven't.
This is not my home.  This is not were I belong.
I know you though. I know everything about you.  What you like. What kind of person you are.
Why you do the things you do.  What you feel. What makes you hurt. 
You and I are strangers and it's how it will always be.  You'll never get to know me.
You'll never know exactly why you and I cannot be.  But I know.
I don't belong here.  This is not my home.

43

  Stop Don't stop. Go away. Stay with me.  I need you.  I don't.  I love you. Fuck you. I think I'm ready.  I think I'm not.  Someday. Never.
 
What's wrong?
Don't ask. 
Can I help?
No. 
Shut up.
I'm leaving.
No don't go. 
I really do need you. 
Then prove it.
I can't. 
You're stuck.
So help me. 
I can't.
Why not?
You wont let me.
Oh I know. 
Sorry. 
I'm here if you need me.
I know.
I love you. 
I love you too. 
Goodnight.
Goodnight.

42

Why the hell do you care now?  I don't want you to try and contact me.  There is no WE.  You and I are nothing.  What do you miss?  You miss ignoring me? taking me for granted? avoiding me? insulting me? why don't you just say it?  You miss hurting me.  You miss how I made you feel.  You're selfish.   Yeah it's been a while.  I know.  Where were you this whole time?  So..you miss me? Fuck you.  You're dead to me. I never knew you.

40

People keep asking me how I'm doing.  Like they care. You don't. Like they think they can help.  You can't. Like they think I cant wait to tell them.  I tried.  Before it was hard. You let me do it alone. Somethings you don't have to ask. You just know and you can see it regardless.  And so it's hard sometimes.  To keep it all in and to keep them all out. As you stay in one piece and remain in control.  So I don't want to say how I'm doing.  I don't need your help.  I've gotten this far alone so I think I can keep going without you.  I've let go of you all.
I tried.  I tried longer than I should have.  I gave everything I had.  And somehow it wasn't enough for you all.  You still want to know how I feel?
I feel nothing for you. You are all trash.  Your animals I hope you eat each other alive.
Fuck you all.
Tomorrow will be a good day I know it will be.  There's hope. I don't see it yet.  But I know it.
I'll carve it out myself. 
I should take my own advice. 
This is a happy post.
You wont hurt me anymore.  Starting today.

"Not today"

Words to live by

39

I don't think I can take over when your done.  I don't think I have it in me to just start up again. Not now at least.  I'm being held back.  Sometimes its you sometimes it's everything.  You ruined everything.  I can't wait till your gone.

38

You screwed it all up again today.  Like last month and the month before that.  This whole year seems like such a waste.  You really don't care do you?  I wish you knew how much it affects everyone.  Your actions have hurt everyone and it's about time you stop.  You have no respect.  I am embarrassed by you yet again.  You pride yourself in being mature and responsible.  But your still just a child. 
So I'm going to treat you like one.

3.9

I just wanted to say, that I realized that I really do need you.

And I really do love you. I'm sorry for today. I have no idea what I'd do if I ever screwed it over with you.  Thank you for not giving up on me just yet. I love you, I love you, I love you. 

37

I admire you.  I don't think I've ever met anyone as smart as you.  Anyone who thinks or feels the way you do.  I think being your friend is such a privilege.  I know you don't see it.  You said you didn't think I got it right. I know you hate yourself.  You don't say it.  And you may not believe it.  But I know you do.  Every time you hurt yourself you say it.  I love you so much.  And it hurts to know you hate yourself that much.

36

You try and you fail. You give it your all. You know that if you keep trying and just hang in there that it will make somewhat of a difference.  But the truth is that some people aren't worth the effort.  Some people can hurt and never feel a thing.  And it's those people you should let go.  I wanted so badly to believe in something in someone that I believed a lie.  It's difficult. 
After so long to admit to being wrong.  To give in.  And to embrace despair.  What a word that is.  Despair.  Few people will ever truly understand it to its full extent.  A final surrender to any and all things that should result of that failure. 
I was told I wasn't good enough. What a horrible thing to say to someone. To make that person feel so small. So helpless.  And when I cried she said I was pathetic.  It wasn't fair.  I hate how you treated me then.  And now?  Fuck you now.  I don't want to see you.  I don't want you to apologize or to even try.  All I want is to never see you again.  Because some people aren't worth it.  I tried then.  Where were you?  I was there for you every time you needed me. 
I believed in you. In something about you.  That no matter what you said or did you were different inside.  I wanted to believe int that so much that I was blind.  And after so long.  After loving you for so many years.  For what? To be tossed aside by a stranger.  That is what you are to me. A stranger.  I never knew you.  I fell in love with someone who doesn't exist. 
Despair sounds right. You never had hope for us.  And it's now that I hit the bottom that I find there was never any hope to begin with.  It's overwhelming.  Crushed by the weight of my grief for you my dead friend. 

35

Just for today I will have a program.  I may not follow it exactly, but I will have it.  I will save myself from two pests: hurry and indecision

34

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

33

Someone told me I changed.  That I'm a totally different person these days.  That I'm a lot nicer now.  That I've opened up.  That it's a good thing. And asked what made me change.
Because I made you a promise.

And I told you I would change.  And now that I hate you I don't know what to do.  I want this hate.  I want you to suffer.  I want you to fail at everything you do. I want you to see how full of shit you are. And how everything you have and everything you have accomplished means nothing.  I want you to feel empty inside and I want you to feel alone.

You smiled today and you said my name.  You asked to take a picture with me.  You sat with me. You hugged me...

And its all shit!  Fuck you! Who gives you the right?! To come back to be nice to show affection. To act like it's all ok.  Like we can be friends again like you didn't screw me over.  Fuck that guilt you have inside you. I don't want you in my life. I want you to hate me.  I want you to stop like I have.  It's not fair!!! 

I dont't want this!  I want you gone.  I can't be this way.

Someone told me I changed?

No not yet. Today I enjoyed the hug. 

32

Love songs are for those that's in love
What can sweeter be?
But I ain't got nobody
Dedicate the blues to me
Love songs are for those who knows
How sweet happiness can be
All I've ever known
Was loneliness
Dedicate the blues to me
I've walked
I've always walked alone
With no one to walk by my side
I've lost count of all the lonely nights
I've hung my
Hung my head and cried
One of these days I'll find someone to love
I don't know how long it will be
But until I find that someone
Oh yes
Dedicate the blues to me.
-Barbara Lynn

29

I don't know. I just don't think you're all there sometimes.  I know you like me. And you know I like you but i just don't feel you.  You're so important to me and I'd like to think I'm important too. But I just don't know.  You say Hi and you ask me how I am. You ask me questions and you say your there. But i know you're not.  I hate that this even crosses my mind.  I don't want to doubt you. But I miss you.  And I want my friend back.  I don't know where you've been or if you ever came back. All I know is I need you. And I don't feel you're there.  I love you.  I wish you could hear me. 

28

If your reading this I want you to know what happened the other day was not ok. It was ok for you to feel the way you did.  I think that it wasn't fair.  I'm not taking anyone's side. I just don't think it was handled very well.  Maybe they were right. Maybe it did have to be said. But they didn't have to single you out and embarrass you in front of everyone.  That wasn't ok.  Im sorry you had to go trough that. 

27

  I'm so happy I didn't see you today.  I don't think I could have held it in today.  You or anyone else. 
  ...Maybe you don't care to hear if I am or not anymore.  Maybe it's a good thing you didn't get to ask me today.  I'd hate to have to chew you out for something you don't even understand...
  I hope your not there again next week. Part of me wants you there just so we can argue
but I just don't feel the time is right.

26

It's not ok to forget. Or to ignore. To make them take the blame when it's yours. Make them say sorry when it's you that should say it. Make them cry. Make them feel so small and meaningless and then crush them. To take so much from them and give nothing in return. It's not ok to be so selfish. It's not ok to expect them to always be there when you leave them when they need you. It's really not ok to lie to their face. But above all it's not ok to say you love them when you don't.

25

Little children, let no one lead you astray. He who does righteousness is righteous, even as he is righteous. He who sins is of the devil, for the devil has been sinning from the beginning. To this end the Son of God was revealed, that he might destroy the works of the devil. Whoever is born of God doesn't commit sin, because his seed remains in him; and he can't sin, because he is born of God. In this the children of God are revealed, and the children of the devil. Whoever doesn't do righteousness is not of God, neither is he who doesn't love his brother. For this is the message which you heard from the beginning, that we should love one another; unlike Cain, who was of the evil one, and killed his brother. Why did he kill him? Because his works were evil, and his brother's righteous. Don't be surprised, my brothers, if the world hates you. We know that we have passed out of death into life, because we love the brothers. He who doesn't love his brother remains in death. Whoever hates his brother is a murderer, and you know that no murderer has eternal life remaining in him.

24

Why do you care anymore?  You didn't used to care. You didn't give a shit then whats changed? Not that it matters.  I'm gone now and I'm not coming back.  Don't talk to me I'm trying to forget you.  Today was easy.  Too easy. Just leave me alone. Don't talk to me out of guilt or pity. Don't talk to me at all. I don't care anymore.  Don't make me have to say it. Are you just now realizing I'm gone?  Fuck you go back were you came from and take your I'm sorry with you.

23

Arrepentimiento
I'm sorry I wasn't what you wanted me to be.
I'm sorry I was angry.  I'm sorry I yelled so much.
I'm sorry I never made a move to make things better.
I owed you so much more. You really do mean a lot to me.
I've changed so much since then.
And one day I'll show you how much.
Thank you for forgiving me.  I needed this so much.
I'm a new person and I deserve another chance.
This time around I promise I will be different.

I love you.

22

There were times when I could see what you were going through.  I wanted to talk to you.  Tell you every thing was going to get better.  Show you that you weren't alone.  I wanted to talk to you about it all.
But I couldn't.  There are reasons for that.  You and I both know them all too well.
But we both found a way didn't we?  And I know I can speak for you when I say that you felt the same way.  Were both just too far apart.  It wasn't about what we said it was about making that effort and knowing that the other didn't necessarily understand but was there and was willing to.  You always ask the same question and I always give the same answer.

How are you?...I'm just tired but I'm fine thanks for asking.
We both know why I'm tired.
We both know I'm not fine.
But we both know I'm glad you asked.

Thank you for asking the same question over and over again every time.
I'm sorry it's the only answer I can give.
Thank you.

21

Waking up to the same feeling
and I know
and I don't
and I wish
and I hope
and I can't
and I won't
and I just want to stop
Can't sleep can't dream can't stop
the fear
Living a nightmare unable to forget
and my heart keeps pounding
and I try too hard to keep it in
and as i take a breath i choke and I struggle
and I start to feel it come
and my heart beats faster
and I realize what's happening
and I fight harder push harder swallow hard choke cough
and remind myself
not today  

20

I needed you today.
like other days when I needed them.
and you're not here.
It's not your fault.
It's the way things are.
It's how they've always been.
The feeling is overwhelming
When you realize you're all
alone.

19

Some days I don't know if I do or not.
Some days I do but I can't.
But mostly all I ever do is try not to.
It's always the same.
Every day my heart screams out to you.
And every day you make it cry out for you.
Giving up is always so hard for me.
I take if very personally.
But this isn't my fault. 
I deserve this. It's my right.
I need this more than anything right now.
I always knew this day would come.
and I always wished it would.
I can't keep believing in a lie.
I feel so embarrassed to say this but
I was wrong.
Your are not what I made you up to be.
I wanted so badly to believe in something
In you.
But I was wrong
And I can finally say it..
I hate you with all my heart.
I've wanted to hate you for too long
and for too long I've stopped myself.
everyday was hard and every day after was harder
but Today it's simple.
Today you are dead to me.

18

Ive gone too
far
and I just realized I did it all
alone
somedays I wish I could
turn to you
but I know those days are
over
and I can't let myself
go back
all I know is I'm
scared
and I don't know if i'll ever
come home

17

There back.
You took them in again like nothing had ever happened.
I'm happy for you. I am.
I hope you remember what I tried to do for you.
I hope you don't forget me when everything is said and done.
I hope you still need me with them around.

16

I was starting to feel guilty. And like always I was starting to blame myself. I have nothing to feel sorry for.  I didn't do anything wrong.  But I can't say the same thing about you.  It's funny I almost said it today. I almost took you in again. What a mistake that would have been.

15

What do you want from me? You failed us all and you embarrassed me. I can't stand to look at you and all I want to do is walk out.  I'm fighting with my self trying hard not to yell at you and tell you I hate you.  I don't want to give up on you. I want you to realize what you did and what your doing. It was not OK. And you have to change. I want you to suffer and I want you to hate yourself. I want you to feel disgusted with yourself every time you think about it. I want you to want to change into someone you can be proud of someone we can all look up to. Don't ask me to act like every thing is fine. It's not. and I'm not. I can't smile today and it's all your fault. Don't expect me to love you today either.

14

We forget what doesn't matter
We ignore what we don't value
We lie to those who don't deserve the truth
but we fear those who have it

The truth is we are selfish animals
everyone of us.

13

When you were hurt I was there
and I helped as best I could
but the're not here anymore
and it's ok
we have eachother
and someday they'll come around
they'll see how important you are
and they'll say they're sorry


I wish they could see what I see
I've never met someone with a bigger heart
to try so hard, to hurt as much,
and to love so deeply
I'm proud of you
I admire you
you will never know what it
feels to be alone as long as I'm around
I wish I could take away all your pain
I wish I could make you happy
like you've made me
I never did thank you for what you did
for me
Thank you
Thank you for saving me
I dont know who or where I'll be
I dont know who or where you will either
but I want you to know
that it wont change how much
I love you
be happy and smile
and know that
I'm always going to be here.

12

All i need is for you to respect me.
All i need is for you to trust me.
All i need is for you to forgive me.
because all i want is for you to see me as something more
because all i want is for us to grow
because all i want is to come home

11

you were the one thing i had control over
and you were there with me when
no one else was
and now i have to stay away
i cant stop thinking about you
but we cant be together
i wish i was strong enough to say goodbye
but all you do is hurt me
and i cant have you around

10

somedays you love me
you tell me i mean the world to you
but what about today
why do i have to ask you
and tommorow
is it real
why dont i believe you anymore
im so lost

9

you said you loved me but fuck you
where were you when i needed you
why do i even have to ask
why is it no one was around
fuck you
everytime you say that you love me
fuck you and fuck every word that
comes out of you mouth
i hate that you left me
i hate that you dont even know what
you did to me

8

im scared. sometimes its nice to be able to
look back and hold on to something or someone
to remind yourself of who you are. its funny how
people can become such a big part of your life
so big that they become a part of you. they begin
to define your very heart. its scary to think what
would happen if they ever left.  
i find hope in you. and that hope gives me fear.
i love you.

7

i can still remember the words you told me
and theres times when i think back and
all i have is those words
words i try and find strength in
to do what i know is right

6

i know i made you a promise
and i said that i would try
that everything was going to change
and they have
but not the way you expected
days go by and i still think of what
i said
and i try so hard these days to live up to them
and it hurts so much sometimes to think
that one day it will all be over
days like today all i try is to love you enough
to be loyal
and for once
to earn your respect

5

never have i wanted someone to go away this bad
never have i hurt this much over someone
never has someone gotten in my way of happyness
threatened to steal everything from me
i hate you so much
and i dont want to
i want you to know that i love you
but you wont let me
i cant say the words
and you wont let me
i know why you wont
but you have to let me try its killing me inside
and all i ever try and do is not hate you

4

i feel it like its already here. i was scared when i first realized it. i know i cant avoid it. i know its not anyone's fault.
i hate that i know.
i wish i could hold on to you forever. that i didnt have to do this.
i left you.
and im so sorry. im so sorry
i didnt tell you that i left
and what hurts even more is you didn't even realize
how could you not realize im not here anymore
im gone and i want to come back
i miss you so much and you dont even know.
you dont know. the thought doesnt ever cross your mind.
and here i am alone. im sorry i gave up on us. im sorry you dont know.

2

there was a fire
and just like everything
and everyone
like every passing moment it
all came together
for one last time
shattered and distorted
and with it every memory
like embers
into the cold dark night
scattered and dying

1

If you looked into a mirror and saw your reflection you would
acknowledge the image you saw as your own. When you write your
words mirror the heart that writes them. And the heart you
write with mirrors the heart within me. When I read your words
I feel a part of me I thought was gone. Myself.